Withdrawing
by Tsaritza Mika
Summary: There can be more than one kind of withdrawal pain...


Things had been busy lately. A lot of jobs around the city, favors from either Monroe or Chad. Everything had just built up, making the nausea settling in his stomach that much worse as he stared at the orange bottom of the empty Celebrer bottle. Nicolas grit his teeth, his grip on the bottle cracking the plastic. His head was pounding as if someone were standing behind him with a sledgehammer, his vision going in and out of focus, making the rest of him feel just as awful. It was ridiculous, to have been so damn busy that he never even noticed how low he'd run on those fucking pills.

It wasn't even as if this was something new either! Those things were his entire life! It wasn't like it was just something that would be fine if he got them later like with a cold or something. Closing his eyes, Nicolas stepped back to lean against the wall near his chair, controlling his breathing as he closed his eyes in an attempt to make the world stop moving without his permission. A low grunt rumbled in his throat at the full weight of his situation. Worick had stepped out to see a client, his usual every Friday, and Alex... Thinking back on it, she had gone out to meet with Galahad and Marco up at Bastard, likely something about her performance schedule or something like that. It was comforting to know she wasn't there for this. She didn't need to see him this pathetically weak and shaking.

Though being around her as long as they had, and with her signing getting better, the tension from when she had first arrived was gone for the most part. She was kind too, all the more reason she didn't need to see him like this. The pounding in his head was getting worse, wetting his lips and cracking open his eyes to glance at the view of the stairs. Maybe, if he could force himself to move quickly enough he could make it to Theo's. It wasn't that far really, and he had walked there with Nina more times than he could count for any number of reasons. Nina, she'd be mad at him for letting things go like this. He'd likely never hear the end of it once she found out.

Keeping a hand to the wall, Nicolas carefully made his way over to the stairs, his eyes barely open as it seemingly took an hour to climb up each step. Coming up to the landing where the stairway turned, he had to stop again, his heart already beating fast and leaving him feeling as if he'd ran for the last three days with no rest. His head was swimming now, stumbling up the last few steps and falling to the floor. Things were bad, but if he could somehow make it to Theo's, he'd gladly take a beating and anything else the man felt like dishing up if he could just get some of those fucking pills.

As bad as it was now, things would only get worse if he couldn't get his hands on some soon. That's right, even with things being the way they were, these were still the early stages. He still had time. Cracking open his eyes, he could see Worick's jacket on the hook over his head, frowning deeply as the image kept wobbling and dancing. Shit, if he could barely see things like this, there was no way he'd make it to Theo's. Managing to roll to his side, he frowned at the discomfort across his leg, a shaky hand reaching down to pull the sword at his hip up to him.

Nicolas closed his eyes against the pain, already feeling the spasms settling into his muscles. It was alright, like this. He wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore, and Worick and Alex, without him around, they could leave if they wanted. Hell, the only reason Worick, no, Wallace was even there at all was because of him. Even if his friend didn't feel anything but a vague sense of camaraderie from Alex from the whole prostitution thing, Nic knew he wouldn't back out on taking care of her if he died. Really the worst part of it would be if Alex got home first, and having to see what was left of him laying there on the floor.

His jaw was tight as his consciousness started phasing in and out, his whole body shaking and gripping the katana's sheath tightly. Being so far gone, he didn't even notice the faint vibrations of steps on the floor, nor that they moved faster once getting close. The next thing he was even somewhat aware of, was his arm being pulled at, and a slight pinch before everything slowly started calming. His head still hurt and his vision was out of focus, but as his muscles started to relax, he just lay there, trying to catch his breath and calm his heart back down to something of a normal beating pattern.

Managing to open his eyes, things were still blurry, especially since he could feel he was being moved. Laying on his back now, he tensed a moment as he felt cool, soft fingers brushing across his cheek. He knew those hands, and as thankful as he was just then for not allowing him to die like a pathetic, weakling, he hated himself for letting her see him like that. It took a few moments, but he was finally able to focus, looking up to see those sparkling blue eyes behind dark lashes. He felt something cold run along his cheek, needing a moment to realize that she was crying, the few tears falling onto him as she knelt on the floor.

Watching as she pushed herself to sit up, he watched as she clumsily signed out if he was alright, glancing to the arm where he'd felt the pinch and seeing an emergency epipen laying next to him on the floor. She set her hand against him again, turning his head to look up at her. Apparently she wasn't sure if he could register his surroundings or something, waving her hand slowly in front of his eyes and looking for some kind of reaction. Reaching up, he held her wrist, shaking his head slowly since he still felt a residual pain in his head. Slowly letting her go, he flexed his hands a few times, the muscles feeling strangely tight, but loose at the same time. [Sorry you had to see me like this.]

"Idiot...we're just lucky, that Worick told me about the emergency packs he keeps in his room. I'm so sorry, Nicolas..."

[It's fine. You did nothing wrong. This is just life for me.]

"No, it... nevermind. I'm, just glad, that I came back when I did." Wiping at the moisture under her eyes, Alex pushed some hair over her shoulder, moving to the bag she had brought back with her. Opening it up, she took out the small orange bottle, gently pressing it into his palm with a weak smile. "I had stopped at Theo's to bring Nina some candy. She wanted me to, tell you 'hello' for her. You know, she'd be really upset if anything happened to you..."

He stared up at her for a few moments, watching the tears as they smeared over her cheeks. He would be lying to himself if he said he felt nothing for her, especially after all this time, but today had been a harsh reminder as to why he had to keep such things to himself. He couldn't make plans, couldn't dare to be any closer to anyone than he already was. Life for him had always been too uncertain, the possibility of his death hanging heavily with every new day he still woke up. He was even nearing the end of his supposed life expectancy, even without including his overdoses or the harsh life in Ergastulum included in the equation.

No, he couldn't put her through that. Admitting such things, getting attached to someone already on borrowed time as he was. Besides that, what did he even really have to offer anyway? Even through all the shit Alex had been dragged through, she still managed to hold onto such a pure and caring heart. For her sake, if nothing else, he'd keep that distance as much as he was able, spare her from being yet another in the world who had made the mistake of getting too close to a Twilight.

Nodding slightly, Nicolas slowly pushed himself up, picking up the empty epipens and tossing them in the garbage. Glancing back at her from over his shoulder, he opened the pill bottle and downed a few, using his free hand to sign out a quick thanks as he leaned down to pick up his katana and head back down to his space. Getting himself some water from the fridge, he sat down heavily in his chair, glancing around the dim room. This was just life. This solitude would keep others from getting too close. Keep those he gave even half a damn about at a safe distance, so that whenever his time came, it would be easier to move on without him.


End file.
